15 Months On: Brave Face, Still World

15 months

It’s now 15 months since Jason went to be with Jesus. It’s been a crazy period of time, I must say. Sunday though, was the toughest. We had children dedication at our church, and one of the children being dedicated was called Jason.

I can’t tell you enough how shocking that was to hear, knowing that a little over 15 months ago, we’d had him dedicated on that very pulpit. My stomach was in knots, my mind was numb, and my world stopped for some time, only to realize that the pastor had continued calling out the names of those to be dedicated.

read more

14 Months On: I Cannot Be An Honorary Mother

Today my son would have been 2 years 2 months old, and I miss him.

 

I had several thoughts when he passed away, and some of those thoughts continue till today. I need to have my priorities in order. I cannot be so career oriented that I neglect my family. All that the office would lose is some work not getting done and they can always hire someone else to do it. And I miss irreplaceable moments with family.

read more

A Mother’s Love – 11 & 12 Months

mothers_endless_love_by_kccreations-d4g35gt

11 Months – December, 2015

This was in December, a month that’s supposed to be festive and fun. I thought about my son, and I missed him. In the flurry of activity, I imagined how it would have been to have him with us, how old he’d have been and what he’d have been doing. I listened to people talk about various topics and I thought about my unvoiced one.

read more

10 Months On – No More Masks

I’m not going to wear a mask any more, whether for protecting myself, or for the comfort of those around me. It’s a lot of work, exhausting and not really beneficial. It’s much more work to put up a mask and have many expectations laid on me; than to break down, open up, be understood and relieved from some of the things. It must be true when the bible talks about confessing our sins to one another that we might be healed, and I think sin here covers everything, even the sin of unbelief. Love does cover a multitude of sins, the Bible says again, and I take it to mean that in that open, vulnerable sharing, there’ll be a more meaningful covering of understanding about our weak areas, and that’ll result in better productivity and relationships for all involved – as opposed to putting up a mask, being put on a pedestal, then straining so hard to stay on that imposed pedestal….and eventually failing at the given task. So I’ve decided to be raw and honest….even more deeply honest than I’ve been in this journey.

read more

8 Months On – Friends in Silence

Around 8 months after my son passed away, a dear couple came up with a good idea. Now, this couple had lost their child much earlier than we did, years ago, actually. They’d buried their child and even made a plaque for their baby.

I’d been wanting to go to Jason’s graveside for a while, but hadn’t quite gotten around to it. There had been a lot going on emotionally, and I hadn’t wanted to ruffle things too much.

read more

7 Months On: Wednesdays & Other Things

It’s now 7 months since our lovely baby Jason went to be with the Lord. Some things have changed, such as the daily routines and schedules, and some are generally constant. Now I cry more freely and openly if the topic about my son comes up, and I don’t apologize for it, because my tears and pain are the only tangible thing I have of him, my precious, handsome baby, Jason.

read more

5 Months On – Behind the Scenes

It’s now 5 months since we lost our lovely baby boy. A lot has happened, both good and bad, and I have continued to learn to trust in God.

 

When I was expecting my son, I lived and worked within the same compound. It was walking distance from the house to the office, and back home. I enjoyed my pregnancy, turbulent as it sometimes was. But it was all beautiful, and I remember with great fondness the 9 months during which I carried my son. We bonded, he kicked and I rubbed my tummy; I reached out to him. I loved him then and I still do now.

read more

Special Dates – 4 Months On

It’s four months since we buried our son  Jason. There’s sad feeling when some dates come, and I remember him even more fondly. 8th of January is when he passed on, so every eighth has me feeling nostalgic about him. 15th of January, that’s when we buried him. It’s also the same date as my birthday, 15th September. He’ll forever remain carved in my heart. Then 18th February, that’s when he was born. So every 18th will have me celebrating every month of his life that would have been. It’s also the same date as when Hetal, his elder sister was born – 18th August. I’ll never forget.

read more

Empty Arms – 3 Months On

Today is the 7th of April, just one day shy of 8th,  exactly 3 months after my son Jason passed on. This is a difficult day, because it reminds me of when he went to be with the Lord, or rather, when the Lord took him. I want to believe that my son loved to be with me, with us, and would have loved to continue to stay with us. But my little darling was unconscious, and that decision could only be made for him, not by him.

read more