Category: Dad-Daughter Relationship

Assurance: Identity, WorthPurpose in God through Training, MentoringCoaching

Happy new month!…and an awesome dad…

It’s been about a month since I wrote in here, or should I say out here. I’ve been writing in my hearton my mind, thinkingputting it on paper, mostly wondering whether what I wrote here last was too personal….whether I really should write that out here.

But then again I remind myself that I am following the convictions of my heart, that that is what I feel pressed to do, like a calling, a purpose to fulfill, a duty, an obligation. And when I do it I am fulfilled, I am happy, I know that I have pleased my master, my conscience is free.

This is not to suggest that it is in any way easy to open my heart for many to see, to let my thoughts be known by so many….and in such an intimate way. But I do it anyway,

For

– The girls who wonder if they are alone in this

– The dads who hear God’s callcare for these girls

– The people who generally wonder what’s going on in the minds of children without dads

– The girls who might want to choose to be single-mums in this cold, hard world – jus’ so you know, you may “make it” alright, but your baby won’t. she’ll look like she did, but she’ll be like this. You still want to make that choice?

Now, I have been prompted to write again because of the responses I have been receiving – offline especially. Some do come online, but quite a lot come offline.

I get questions, people asking me why I stopped writing. I’m surprised that they have been reading. And then they tell me why they haven’t responded….oh I read from my phone so sometimes it’s hard to comment, or I’ve been traveling…or something. But one response has just blown me…totally floored me.

AN AMAZING DAD…

A friend of mine graduated recently,one of my favorite pastors got to learn about it. He asked her whether her dad was at the graduation,the girl said no…but that her aunties were there….and before she could finish saying that, my now even more favorite than ever pastor turned to her,gave her a most warm, loving dad-hug,said, “Let me hug you on his behalf.” And then gave her a side hugcontinued talking…..

I could have burst out right there, but I did in my heart. My eyes still tear when I think about it…it’s a most wonderful thing!!!!!!!! You go, pastor dad!


July 31, 2011 9

Dumped

Hi. I will try to do a summary of the many thoughts in my mind.

Faces: it is great to talk with people who have subscribed to my blogconsistently receive my emails. Now, when I write some more, I will be writing with these individuals in mind, not just to express myself, but to talk with them too. It’s great, it’s also “wow-ing” when someone says they couldn’t reply to my email because the message was “too deep” or hit them real hard. I can only hope that that is in a positive way,that it was both inspiringblessing in a comfortingassuring way.

Dumped: This Mr. Smart, allow me to call him so, decided that he wouldn’t text me anymore. Or at least not that evening, yet we had decided to finish conversing about a certain issue. But my Mr. Smart decided to play smart, me to outsmart,thus broke my heart. But why break a heart, which was to him given as a gift? Because he wanted to spend time with his family,all I got was “oops family time bye.” And I thought,I wished, I wondered,I hoped. I prayed. I almost cried. But I was in a mat,had to act like an adult. So I swallowed hard. And thought, wishing that I was someone’s priority. That someone could put me on their priority listlock out “the rest.” And now, I was part of “the rest” in my dad-search escapades. It hurt, my stomach turned, twisted as if in sixteen knots. My neck went with it as I swallowed even harder. God, why??? Then a still small voice began to talk to me. That I indeed was a prime person to some people. I am the only mother my daughter has, the only wife my husband has, the only second born to my mum, the only Anngladys in my family….and whether or not they said it daily, or at all, I was still important, prime. And no one could replace me. Or at least I encouraged myself again. And so I decided to encourage myself that way,decided to make my family prime, not just in fact, but in realityspecial treatment. That having been said, I still felt badtried to call…but his phone was off….these, are the struggles of a girl who misses a dad.

Angry at God: Yes, sometimes it gets sourbitter; it wounds both sharplydeeply,makes me ask why. The Bible says that God is the father of the fatherless,that’s cool by all standards….wait, did I say all standards? I could have meant many standards. Because you see, sometimes you want an sms, a phone call, an encouraging pat on your back, or a hug from a dad to say that he’s proud of you, he loves you. And much as I try to imagine God as big, fat, huge, huge guy, walking besides meholding my hand or my shoulder…the best I can do is imagine. And only a physical, human, flesh-and-blood dad can do that. And so yes, there have been gaps, gaping vacuums, big, mighty big holes, which have gone unfilled. Sometimes they are filled with denial; sometimes they are filled with pain, sometimes with excitement…short lasting excitement that leaves me highdry. And sometimes they are filled by faith, a little faith that helps me make it day by day, step by step, just knowing that today I’m okay, tomorrow will take care of itself.

And then I meet his family: Yes, many times I have gotten to meet the families of my potential dads, or at least the people I admire in that way. And it is both a wonderfulsobering moment. Did I say sobering? I could have meant “sombering”. See, it’s great to see him in action with his family, with his wifekids,it is such a very, mushy moment. It is great to know that he’s a real deal insideout, in publicwith his family. It gives good credibility. But that’s about it. When you listen to them talk, their stories, their experiences, their hopesmemories, the dreams they share, the things they laugh about….it dawns on me afresh, that they are complete. They are knit together, unified. They are one. And nothing can come between them; nothing can be added to them. Even if I wanted a dad in him, it could never possibly be like that with me. I wouldn’t share the brotherhood or sisterhood. I couldn’t share the mum-dad experiences. I’m just an outsider, I’m just “the rest.” And much as I enjoy those moments, sometimes I want to run awayhide,cry to Godask, why did you deny me that? I was a good girl, I was disciplined, I got my straight A’s why didn’t you give me a dad???? But then again I remember, I come back to my sensesrealize that I have to be strong. For my family, for the girls looking up to me, expecting answers from me. For the girls who may not get an occasional sms from someone they admire, let alone get to see such a situation. And I remind myself, that for these, I have to be strong. I have to be an example of a God who works, a God who delivers, a God who caresmeets his girls’ needs.

And so I need to be honest: it would be great to have a dad figure,granted, I’d jump at the opportunitygrab it so fast,so hard. But then again I may not, because I’ve done the cycle one too many times. So I have to have a meeting with myselftell me the following, “AG, you are okay the way you are. God lovescares about you. He is your father. And he does do for you things that no earthly father can do. Like understand your deepest secretsshare your deepest fears. And yes, you may want such a situation, but is it sustainable? Is it practicable? So what if you missed a few moments when you were growing up, are you going to go back to that age, createenjoy those moments? You have to take the life you have now,live it strong. You are an example. Encourage girls in the Lord. Not all of them can find what you found, even briefly. For those of them who have only faith to believe, for them at the very least, develop your relationship with God to a deep, personal level, so you can hear it from his heart what He wants to tell them. The needs are there, but they may not all be met. At least not in the way we envision. Okay? Cheer up now,let’s go home.”

Going home: I decide that I have encouraged myself enough,continue to walk the streets of Nairobi, a bit faster now, thanks to the surge of energy resulting from my self-given pep talk. Until I look up at the heavens to thank God for the insight,discover that the tall buildings around me make me feel so much smallertinierfrailer that I had felt before. Alone, in a big big world. No dad to hold my hand, no dad to calm my fears. I butt my eyelids to clear the mist,walk towards my matatu. I have to get a car, I think. I’ve got to get home earlier than this, when the sun can still see me. I change my line of thought. I thank God for the alone time. I thank Him that He is always with me,does not shut him out. And reluctantly, I thank Him for being a father to me.

And oh yes: here’s the other thing. If the dad need was a program, I would search for it in the computer of my life, go to the control panel,click “uninstall”,when the machine would ask if I was sure about my decision, I would click yesemphasize that with control+alt+shift+enter +++++++ everything else!!! Not that I haven’t tried, I’ve prayed it away, I’ve gritted my teeth, grinnedborne it, (you know, the grinbear it thing), I’ve made vows, commitments…but I can’t keep them. I guess it’s beyond me, the dad need is something I cannot fight. It lingers no matter what I do. Maybe God has a purpose for it to be this way, perhaps for me, perhaps for me to help other girls. I won’t fight God. I’ve told him my heart’s desires, I’ll waitsee what He does, knowing that He has good plans for me, plans of goodnot of evil, plans to give me a futurea hope.


June 28, 2011 8

The dad-gap in a girl’s life…

So when she came for me on my birthday to take me “out”, I did not let anyone know that the “outing” was to go visit my dying dad in hospital. I share the details of this in my book, Becoming an Amazing Girl. It was a horrible day, a hard time. I went back to schoolhad to keep up the good, strong front. Told no one. Kept quiet. I didn’t want to be seen as less than anyone else. Incomplete or out of place or just odd. Off. I wanted to (still) fit in, be “normal” be okay. And so I swallowed all those hard (potatoes) feelings that would come.

I’d cry in bed alone, or in the shower –blame the red eyes on soap or something. Or just being itchy. I was sad, alone, disappointed. And this was just the beginning. I couldn’t help the images that kept flashing in my mind as I was in class. Teachers would be teachingI’d be lost in thought. I lost my concentration, I lost my interest. Something more important was bugging my mind, tugging at my heart. What would happen? Would he be okay? Would he get well? What if…. No… That’s not an option to think about. Ouch! End of day, class is over, back to bed…cry,blame the red eyes on a headache or something.


June 12, 2011 3

Pages from my journal – Rawreal(Dads&Girls)

GETTING REAL

It’s time I got real….or more real than I have been here. I’ll be taking a risk to do so, but this is my void to fill, my part to play. I have been writing on this website for a while now, writing about different things. Parties, insights from everyday life. Quotes. Devotions. Book responses. But perhaps I have not touched the core of my message yet. Or at least not on the website. Elsewhere yes, eg in the book, but not on the website. So now I want to go back to the beginning, retrace my steps to the first love, the genesis of this website.
Becoming an Amazing Girl book – The inside revealed

The Amazing Girl website began as a result of my book, Becoming an Amazing Girl. Originally, the website was becominganamazinggirl.org, but it later changed to amazing-girl.org. I thought the other name was a bit too long. And I was planning to write more books, so I shouldn’t limit the title of my website to just one book. So in the book I talk about my life, my personal lifeshare details about some of the tough experiences I have gone through. And how I tried to get out of them.

In a very candid manner I talk about my emotionswhat happened when I followed them. The good,the bad. I skip a bit of the ugly….but that could come later. Here. In the next edition of the book, due to some requests.
A girl’s search for a father

So what am I talking about? I’m talking about a girl’s search for a father. A father figure. A dad. Someone to be there. The journey of looking for one, the hopes, the disappointments, the challenges….and the final resolution. Or is it final?

I began my search for a dad when I was a teenager. That’s after my dad passed on. That’s a story for another day. I figured that if I did share this in my book, I might as well share it here. And talk with you. And perhaps it will lead to helping another girl find her place, her assurance, her confidence, her worth, her esteem.
No editing – I’m telling it like it is

Rawreal as it comes, I just write away, with only typo-edits. I’m letting it flow. I’m not going to “arrange” it in a perfect manner. Because it’s not perfect. And because it’s still growing. It’s still happening. And these hurts don’t come in cute little boxes like the TV programs make us think. The hurts are raw,messyugly. I’ll invite you into my life, I’ll share with you what I feel, what I felt, what’s going on. You might be a girl going through the same, you might know of one who needs a girlfriend along this way. I’ll be that girlfriend. I’ll be with you. Let’s talk, let’s share. I will.
Tell dads about girls,tell girls about dads

And why will I? Because I have looked for someone to share this, to tell others about it. To tell dads about girls. To tell girls about dads. And though there are many a good forums, organizations that are doing something close this…I haven’t found one that discusses what I really feel I need to share. What I feel needs to be talked about. How I feel it needs to be talked about. Realrawmessy. I feel that there are some girls out there like me, who were, or still are in search of a dad. Who don’t know how to express it, or who to express it to. Or fear that if they tell, they’ll be more than grossly disappointed.
Connecting dadsdaughters?

I wish I could create something that connects dadsdaughters. I know there are some good dads out there who’d like to adopt some daughters. And I know that there are some girls out there, who’d like to “adopt” a dad…or be “adopted” by one. Perhaps not the usual legal way. But another way. A covering way. I “knowing someone cares” kind of a way. God is good,He’s a great father. But I’ll tell you what, a physical one is a precious gift. Any day.

So I don’t know what this will breed. A dad-daughter connection site? A place for girls to vent? To let out their hurts, to share their hearts? I don’t know. But I know what I will do. I will share. For I feel that this is my void to fill.
Missing dads being missed

And what kind of a dad search are we talking about here? Some dads are dead. Physically. Some are dead other ways – emotionally distant, spiritually on different lanes, not mentoring their girls, divorced, separated, living abroad or far away from their families, disinterested, alcoholics, authoritarians, career chasers with no time for family, too concerned about their egonot wanting to be associated with the feminine world…..the list is endless! But these dads are missing,they are being missed. By their daughters. And sons too, I believe.

So these girls could be in search of a dad ‘cause theirs is totally not there. Or he’s not there in a way that is significant to her. I’ll tell you what I did, how I felt. What I went through. And what’s happening now. ‘Cause like I said, it’s not neatly tied in a cute little bow written “Eternal Solution to the Dad Search.” I still have my joys,my lows. And I’ll share them with you. And I’ll be willing to listen to yours. It’s time to get rawreal, tell it like it is, and….fill this void that is mine to fill.


June 6, 2011 3