Riding the Wave of Emotions following a Loss

Recently, a certain lady who’d lost her child wrote to me asking me some tough questions about losing a child and how she could navigate the initial wave of emotions. As we spoke, I felt that this article would be of help to many other similar mums. So here’s one of our conversations…my response to her questions. She allowed me to share it with you, so I hope that it will touch your heart and if you’re not facing a loss, that you’ll pass it on to someone who needs it.

Thanks and God bless you.

Hi Dear,

Pole sana for what you are going through. Losing cute baby Precious must be incomprehensibly tough.

I can only imagine what you are going through now. I pray that God will be with you and that you will know that He is with you, beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Losing a child is not an easy experience. It hurts, it pains and it causes great sorrow.

It is hard to be positive in such situations. It is not easy to say good and positive things. Not even if they make sense.

But just the same way we can’t quite say positive things easier, I would encourage you to not say negative things. Avoid cursing God or confessing negative things.

Acknowledge your pain and express it, but don’t try to out blame on anyone, not even yourself. Just feel and express the pain. It may be hard to see the  God’s purpose in all this, but although it is hidden, it is not absent.

Journal your feelings, write them down. Pour them onto paper. You’ll feel a bit better every time, you’ll also have a record of your memories, and you’ll be able to track your progress. Sometimes when I’m too weak to write, I record what I feel on my phone. I say it out loud and let the voice recording suffice.

Talk to God. A lot. All the time. Ask Him to hold you and to walk with you. To comfort you. To let you know that you are not alone. Because although your arms are empty, your heart doesn’t have to be. God can fill it with His love and presence.

Do you have someone that you can talk to? I find that very helpful. But I also wouldn’t put too much trust in people. This is how I have found it to be. God sends people in a seasonal manner. Some right after the loss, some around the burial, some after the burial, and some long after the burial when the world seems to have moved on.

Pray for discernment so as to know what and how much to share with whom, being sensitive about their motives. Some people are out to get a story, or to use your experience to feel better about themselves, and so that it becomes about themselves and not about comforting you.

Also, do not expect a single person or certain people to stay with you all through. God is the only one who can do that. People are not able to do that because they get tired and also have their own concerns – they get distracted. But God can give you people for every season. And God is Emmanuel, God with us. Call on Him. Lean on Him. He won’t let you down. He’ll never leave you nor forsake you.

Don’t restrict yourself from crying, it is therapeutic and necessary, refreshing even. It’s a necessary part of grief. If you don’t cry now, that expression night force its way out later, and it will be very hard to handle. I did that when I lost my dad, and many years later, I had a very hard time coping.

Read the Bible, even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. It will find a place in your heart and settle there. It will comfort you. Read good books about grief, too. There’s a small book called Losing Sammy. I find it very good. Read about other people’s experiences. It will encourage you and let you know twhat what you are feeling is not unusual. There’s comfort in company, even if it’s virtual.

Sing. Yes, that’s hard. Even if all you’ll do is hum all the sad tunes you know. There’s power in praise, and there’s healing in song. Let it out.

Are these things easy to do? No. Is there a certain order in which to do them? No. It is as your days go by, you do what is appropriate. I would however recommend daily prayer and reading of the Word as much as I’d possible. But whatever you do, pray. Pray. Pray. That’s your one weapon, comfort, consolation, piece of strength. Pray, pray,  pray.

As I’ve been writing this, I’ve felt like there are others who may need to hear this. With your permission, may I post this on my website? I won’t post your name. Just the letter. I’ll also add a link to a significant song about prayer. (She said yes).

Here’s a wonderful song to listen to and sing along as you go through this period.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg5LMbDMxKo

Warm regards,

Anngladys

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