Birthdays without Jason – A Mother’s Diary

Yes, birthdays still come and go, his and ours. When his birthday came this year, I really missed him. I remembered how it had been just before I gave birth to him. The hospital visits, the final preparations at home, the conversations with the nurses and doctors and the preparations preceding the birth.

 

I remember going into the delivery theater and having the kind of Caesarean Section that allows the mother to see as the baby is being brought into the world. I remember watching the process, and seeing him for the first time. It was such a lovely day, wonderful moments they were. Seeing him alive, holding him, kissing him, it was like heaven had smiled on me. There couldn’t have been a better gift on that day. I couldn’t wait to be sewn up quickly so that I could go and hold him, cuddle him, feed him and just be with him. It was his birthday, his first birthday, the original one.

 

So when couldn’t hold him in my arms for his ‘first’ birthday after that, seeing as he went to be with Jesus when he was only 10 and a half months old, it was extremely difficult. I wrote a post about it, that although my arms were empty, my heart was not – because I knew I would see him again if I kept the faith and walked with the Lord as He pleases. It was sad, very sad.

 

And so was it this year. He would have been 2 years old this year, and he wasn’t around for us to celebrate that with him. There would have been a party, there would have been lovely moments. And all we had were photos and videos, nice ones yes, but they bring tears to the eyes and to the heart. He would have been walking around, playing with cake and having fun. He probably has much better cake in heaven.

 

And it’s still the same with our birthdays. I long to give him a piece of cake on special occasions, and I wonder how he’d respond to cream being all over his face. Or to seeing soda all fizzy and making that hissing sound. I wonder how he’d laugh and chuckle, how he’d run around in the sitting room, perhaps falling every few steps from all the excitement.

 

I miss having birthdays with Jason, I do. I pray that I will keep the faith, so that I can celebrate eternal birthdays with him in heaven, together with Jesus and the rest of my family. I miss you, Jason.

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