It’s now 15 months since Jason went to be with Jesus. It’s been a crazy period of time, I must say. Sunday though, was the toughest. We had children dedication at our church, and one of the children being dedicated was called Jason.
I can’t tell you enough how shocking that was to hear, knowing that a little over 15 months ago, we’d had him dedicated on that very pulpit. My stomach was in knots, my mind was numb, and my world stopped for some time, only to realize that the pastor had continued calling out the names of those to be dedicated.
Life had moved on. What for me was a major stop, a call for silence and meaningful meditation had just passed like just any other moment.
In many ways, I have been stuck in January last year when my little baby went to be with the Lord. I see things, I hear words, I go to places, and I remember him. Recently, we got lost when travelling with some of my colleagues, and then got out through the road that passed by the hospital where my little boy passed on, and then on to the neighboring police station. I tried to hold it in and I couldn’t, and right there, I just broke down. Heavily. And I couldn’t stop the flow. I miss him, I miss my boy.
Now, there are some who say to have faith and let go and move on, but I’m not sure they’ve gone through such a situation themselves. And they certainly haven’t watched Kanze Dena’s video in which she still misses her child, 15 years later. So no, don’t talk to me about ‘getting over it’. I’ve tried what I’ve heard, and honestly, it doesn’t work. A mother can’t forget her child. She can put on a brave face so as to not make you uncomfortable, but she’ll break down softly or wail bitterly when away from your judgmental presence. Yes, some of it is very judgmental. She’ll only be real to those who genuinely care; but for the world she’ll put up a face, a brave face.
There are still some things I’m yet to work through, and come to terms with. Like the empty cot. The unworn clothes. The nice little shoes he’d have been wearing. His nice, lovely smell….that’s still with me, in my heart and mind. And I’m doing all a mother like me can do – brace it for the world, and tell it all to Jesus in the comfort of our privacy.
Life may move on, it certainly will, and I believe that some day I’ll be stronger than I am. But in the meantime, my world still stands still every once in a while, and that’s okay too, because that’s the part of my son I have now – my memories of him; and I still love him.