Today my son would have been 2 years 2 months old, and I miss him.
I had several thoughts when he passed away, and some of those thoughts continue till today. I need to have my priorities in order. I cannot be so career oriented that I neglect my family. All that the office would lose is some work not getting done and they can always hire someone else to do it. And I miss irreplaceable moments with family.
I’m glad I did my best with Jason, maybe because he was so young and vulnerable. But I need to be able to make conscious choices; consistently and actively even when the situation isn’t helpless or alarming. Family is not a crisis event, it is the main event in life, supported by the other things. And I don’t want to be with family just to get things done, no, that can produce unnecessary but sometimes inevitable irritability. I want to be with family long enough to go beyond the list of ‘to do’ things, so that it gets to the place of just being, just enjoying each other’s presence without any ‘requirements’ to fulfill, just enjoying being together. Period. Family is not one of the items on a checklist. You don’t ‘do’ family, you ‘be’ family.
I may not be very financially rich, or have all the career promotions and positions; or education and titles, but I would rather miss out on these and have the invaluable, irreplaceable wealth of family and key relationships.
The rest can always be attained, even on an honorary basis, but family relationships cannot, they cannot be honorary, they must be daily built and cultivated. I cannot be an honorary wife, mother, friend, sister etc. I can only be a present one or none at all. I must work on this deeply. Life is not about image and titles, it’s about the real deal of daily presence, even without the fanfare, and I’d rather have that. The rest are additional features.
2 years ago, I’d written a book, inspired by him, Jason. Here’s the link to that book. I’d given it out on Mother’s Day in 2014.