11 Months – December, 2015
This was in December, a month that’s supposed to be festive and fun. I thought about my son, and I missed him. In the flurry of activity, I imagined how it would have been to have him with us, how old he’d have been and what he’d have been doing. I listened to people talk about various topics and I thought about my unvoiced one.
I am now extremely selective about who I talk about this with. It is generally expected that one has ‘moved on’ and that one has ‘faith in God’ and ‘inner strength’ and whatever else. Only someone who’s gone through the same would understand the numbing background pain, the sense of loss, the lingering questions and the desperate hope in God for answers and for a better future.
Though this period may eliminate many people, or create a sense of loneliness, it draws me closer to God, and has me clinging more to Him and His word than to other transient things. All other things will pass away, but His word will still remain.
12 Months – January, 2016
This was the hardest part. Remembering the day on which Jason died, the events that preceded his death, and what happened after that. Remembering the events hospital, the visits from family and friends, the visitors at home, the announcement and prayers in church, the text messages, phone calls…the imminent loneliness and gap in the midst of the crowds, the numerous hugs…and then the burial. The burial.
That was awful. All that rolled into one package of finality. Remembering who was there, and who’s now not. Remembering the diminishing visits, and how I must learn to walk this path that God has destined for me. Remembering the friends who stuck by, old and new alike. And offering comfort to those in similar situations.
What Then, Now?
Maybe all this was for several reasons. I don’t think there’s any one reason that will ever suffice, that’ll ever give a satisfactory explanation of why God took my son Jason to be staying with Him in heaven. But I can say that this whole situation has brought me closer to Him, revealed who my true friends are, shown me how better to minister to people in this situations, and how to be a better friend. I am also keener on how to be a better person all round, albeit its challenges, knowing that the good and the bad form the fabric of life, and knowing how fickle life can be, how transient, and seeking to make the most of the times together – with both friends and family. So help me God. I’m not sure I’ll keep writing every month as I have been about this issue, I’ll see how it goes. I know I’ll keep missing Jason, but I’ll also keep trying to make the best of what’s on my plate. I love you, Jason, and I miss you dearly. Hugs, baby.