9 Months On – Putting on a Brave Face (Please See Through My Mask)

Here are the articles from the 8th month.

8 Months On – Friends in Silence

8 Months On – Friends in Sorrow & Laughter

9 Months On – Putting on a Brave Face (Please See Through My Mask)

This is a difficult time. Yes, yes, yes; there’ve been some good things happening recently, such as realizing that there are so many trivial things that don’t deserve my attention and this frees me to focus on the really important things. Especially in light of losing my son, there are other losses that don’t even come close in comparison, and I am holding things (and people, e.g. toxic relationships) much more loosely than before. Nothing can possibly compare to that loss; that’s quite a queer way to acquire freedom about some things.

 

I am grateful for the lessons I’ve been learning, so freeing, so peace-giving. Some miracles have happened in my life too, and for these I am deeply thankful.

 

It’s 9 months down the line, and the shudders of January have left most people. Many people would rather not bring up the topic, for some, it doesn’t even cross their minds. And because that’s how they see it, it’s sort of expected that that’s my perspective too.

 

That I should be up and about, getting on with the humdrum or even dance of life, looking forward to ‘new things’ and focusing on ‘the present that God has given us’ and other similar things. And so I have tried…to juggle the balls as it were. And I’ve been juggling fine…I think, I guess…I’m trying, I suppose. I’m trying, I’m trying really, really hard.

 

I try to wear a brave mask, to ‘handle’ life. Of course, in safe quarters, as I have said before, I let myself go and I am real and I mourn without limitations, but generally, there are ‘things to do’.

 

I have been particularly surprised by a few people who have been used by God to reach out to me. Sometimes they have no clue that what they are saying is just exactly what I needed to hear, to experience. But one in particular has amazed me. I have put on the bravest face, the toughest armour, and the best show. But every single time, this person has seen through it all and dealt with the soft, vulnerable heart of the matter…despite my denials, kicks and attempts to evade.

 

I have slowly come to surrender to the ministry, to believe that God might be reaching out to me even now…that He still cares even months later.

 

So yes, sometimes we’ll put on the mask so as not to make those around us uncomfortable; or frankly to avoid being (piercingly, painfully) judged (and discriminated against – because honestly, that’s what it feels like) – but just so you know, it’s okay to let us (grieving mums, parents, people) know that you can see through the mask, and offer that hug, that word, that prayer.

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