7 Months On: Wednesdays & Other Things

It’s now 7 months since our lovely baby Jason went to be with the Lord. Some things have changed, such as the daily routines and schedules, and some are generally constant. Now I cry more freely and openly if the topic about my son comes up, and I don’t apologize for it, because my tears and pain are the only tangible thing I have of him, my precious, handsome baby, Jason.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays happen to be the days when there’s devotion at my current and previous places of work. This makes Wednesdays particularly hard, because that’s when all those deep songs about God are sung, and sermons are given, sometimes about the life after this one. Those are hard mornings to handle, especially because there’s only so much time and then work has to go on. Sundays would be easier, because then I can go home afterwards and sort myself out without being in a hurry. So on Wednesdays I allow myself to just be, and do just what I must.  I try to plan Wednesday’s work around Tuesday and Thursday, so that I can still meet my targets. But I’m ever so grateful for the midweek service that happens that evening, in which people share testimonies of what God has done for them, and once again, I am established and uplifted. True, the one who broke still heals.

 

Hard Things To Do

It is still however hard to talk about the events of that day and period, and so I have been directing people to my website, where I have put the full information. I’m glad to see some people go and visit the site – it shows that there’s concern not just curiosity about this matter.

The daily routines have changed, and some practices are becoming more habitual and voluntary, and it’s not such a drag to do them. Sometimes, however, the pendulum swings the other way and everything takes effort.

I am also more drawn towards things of comfort such as company that makes me feel safe, friends filled with laughter, movies/series/songs that are soothing…yes. And if something is a bit rough or harsh, I’m avoiding it or its atmosphere, like the plague. Yes yes yes, I’m reading the Bible too, even in the midst of doubts and questions, although most of my biblical encouragement might come to me through email, accidental internet searches or friends. Yes, sometimes I want to not think about God allowing such a terrible thing to happen, so I’m having an on-and-off scenario here. But bottomline, I still know that He is good and loving, as paradoxical as that sounds (to me too, sometimes).

What I Won’t Do

There are some things I will not do at this time because I simply cannot. I have tried and I’m not able to do them, so just excuse me for now.

  1. I will not visit your new-born baby. I tried this one, and I spiraled back into the black hole of pain and anguish. I am happy for you, but I’ll celebrate with you from afar. I don’t want you to try and hide your excitement about your baby when I visit, or try to wonder how you’ll accommodate me knowing that I don’t have my little baby. Thanks for the concern, but please accept my distant congratulations.
  2. I will not rush to pick your babies when I meet them, especially for the first time, and especially so if they are boys. Noooo, I don’t want you sympathizing with me or thinking I’m having a ‘replacing’ moment. Nooo, I’ll wait for the child himself to be drawn to me, then we’ll bond. Yes, I’ve seen those looks that say, ‘oh dear, she’s gonna lose it’ and no, I won’t. I might excuse myself and cry for a while and then come back, but no, I won’t jump at it like I would before. And yes, honestly speaking, I don’t want to entertain that excitement in my heart – it’ll be painfully short-lived, and I’ll have to deal with the consequences for much longer than it’ll take to wait for a gradual approach.
  3. I will not want to talk about new-borns, not now, please not now. I might listen politely, but that’s about all I can muster the strength for.

What I Will Do

Some things I will do, however, will include the following.

  1. I will keep journaling (albeit monthly; more often if I am able to) about my journey of grief. I have come to learn that many people are encouraged when they read what I’m writing, and even if for just one person, I will keep journaling – because I am one person, and I know that this period can feel like eternity. So if I can ease that eternity, and ruffle that stillness for just one person, I will. So that they know that they are not alone, there is still some life around – and some life similar to theirs, and that it’s possible to move on, albeit slowly.
  2. I will keep responding to the inbox messages on email, comments or facebook, I will. I will not ignore any responses, and if you want to talk some more about some of the things going on in your own journey, my eyes, ears and heart are open. Let’s walk together, let’s hold hands and draw strength together from God.
  3. I will keep talking to God and to my support system about what’s going on, and I’ll keep thanking God for them. Knowing that I can lean on each one of them at any one time keeps me grounded. I know I won’t fall from the weight (or lightheadedness) of it all, and that gives me hope for one more day. Thank you friends and family, I love each one of you.

 

So much for now. Thanks for reading to the end. Your messages are welcome, and as always, I will respond to each one of you.

Love,

Anngladys.

 

14 thoughts on “7 Months On: Wednesdays & Other Things

  1. Anonymous says:

    Anngladys, you are amazing in the way you are able to put your thoughts into words and out here for us to read and walk this journey with you. For me it helps me to know how to pray for you and it helps me feel connected to you even though I am so far away. I love you and you have my prayers and support
    Pastor Loice

    • Anngladys says:

      Ever so grateful am I, Pastor Loice, for your love, prayers, support….everything!!! May God keep refreshing and growing you deeper in His love, and rejuvenating you as you continue to minister to others. Love you loads.

  2. Dee Wambui says:

    Thanks Gladys for your post. No one can understand your feelings better than God Himself, and am glad that you acknowledge His care and love. I will just pray that He will continue to minister to you, in a way that He knows best, because His IS GOD. God is good my sister. I also pray that I will be found to be alert and responsible with knowledge so that I become my sister’s keeper. His peace is dependable. Loving you AG.

  3. Fragrance Manyala Kiteyi says:

    AG, dear, you are truly a strong woman. I salute you for sharing your experiences after the loss of your dear son. I won’t pretend that I know exactly how you feel, and what you are going through, because I sincerely don’t. But I have gone through heartache and pain, and though it may not be commensurate to yours, I learnt (for years) to trust God to heal the hurt I felt. And He did. Albeit slowly, but I can testify that I am healed, spirit, body and soul. And HE WILL HEAL YOU TOO! Keep trusting, keep believing, keep holding on to Him. Will mention you in prayer! <3

  4. Eunice Njau says:

    Hi dear. Always a pleasure reading your columns am 100% sure that you’re healing as a group. Atleast soneone knows she aint sailing alone. Keep up the good work and never ever at doubt the existence of God. I m just saying but of course I know you don’t. He still loves u just as before. Thanx gal n God bless u n your family

  5. Maggie says:

    Death is the most painful thing that ever happened to humanity. The reason Jesus came is to conquer it.
    be encouraged again that even though we mourn, and mourning we must, its temporary, soon all these shall be glorious.
    Grace to go through this very difficult time. Shalom.

  6. Susan Wachira says:

    Hey dear. Please keep writing, it serves its purpose and blesses many people. I will keep directing my friends to this site.

    Big love.

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