6 Months On – How our baby Jason died

It’s now 6 months since our dear son, Jason, went to be with the Lord. I’ve been writing about once a month, because that’s about all the strength I can muster. Half a year is a long time to be without a son that you had, but it’s also a short time in terms of for how much longer to feel the pain.

 

I have had several thoughts during these past 6 months. I have thought about Jason and how he came to be, the journey of pregnancy, his birth, and what a joy it was to have him for those 10.5 months. I have thought about the purpose that God had for him, and whether it was fulfilled within that short time. I have wondered about the cause of his death, and why we had to be without him as a family.

 

How many children do you have?

I have battled questions from people about how many children I have. I wonder whether to say I have two children – a girl and a boy, and have to explain; or whether to say 1 girl, and let the matter rest, and spare myself the heartache of re-living the pain – and at the same time deny the existence of my son. Sometimes people will probe why after 8 years we have only 1 (visible) child. If they haven’t been in my life, I don’t see why I should explain to them. It’s personal. And it’s okay to have 1 child if that’s what we wanted, but the way it is, it’s just so hard to explain to strangers/new friends why things are the way they are.

 

How did Jason die, what happened?

One of the hardest questions to answer is how he died. I’ve only been able to share that with close friends, or the people who visited our home in January and after that, caring about us during that period. For the rest, I prefer to send them to this website to get information – but knowing full well that the full information is not there.

 

It is becoming increasingly harder to explain to many people what happened, so I’ve decided to just put it down here, once and for all, to make it easier for me, for us. I don’t have to break down every time someone gets to know about it. And I also don’t have to put people in awkward situations, wondering what to do with the information – do they show sympathy, do they hug me, do they say sorry, do they cry – because I’ve seen all those kinds of responses.

 

So I’m putting it here, so that you can read at your convenience and privacy, so that you can have the freedom to respond to it as you naturally will, without feeling the pressure of needing to act a ‘certain way’. It’s also good for me to not have to bring it up so often – and I’m grateful for those caring souls I keep meeting – and feeling the pain afresh every time.

 

So, for the good of all of us, and to the memory of our son and brother, here’s the story of how he died, how Jesus took him.

 

Jason

 

Jason. You asked about him. He was fine, fine, fine. Save for a slight fever for which he was taking medication, he was okay. He went to sleep well. Then we woke up around 5 a.m. and he was having difficulty breathing. We rushed him to hospital and he spent quite some time in the Emergency Room. They gave him all sorts of medication and performed many procedures on him. Wednesday, 7th March, 2015.

 

 

Then he went for a CT scan, and then was taken to the ICU. We observed him every moment of that day…save for when the doctors needed to do something in our absence. His organs started failing – his heart, his lungs. He had been convulsing, and loosing blood. He bled, my little boy bled so much it had to be sanctioned.

 

In the night, he started having problems sustaining his heartbeat. The doctors did all they could, we watched them….up to the very last minute, 2:04 a.m., Thursday, 8th January, 2015. And that’s when our world crashed; our little boy went to be with Jesus. I felt like he was telling me that he was in better hands. He looked so peaceful, my child, he did.

 

And I held him and hugged him and kissed him and loved him all I could…till we had to take him away. He was prepared for the cold morgue as we watched, and I carried him there and placed him on that oh, so cold tray. We kept going back to see him.

 

Before we moved his body from Gertrude’s Children’s Hospital to Thika, we showed Hetal, our 4 year old girl. It had been hard to tell her about it at 5 a.m., and it was …there are no words to explain how it was, showing her her brother’s body, cold and still. I held him in my arms as we took him/his body to Thika, cuddled and kissed him. My heart was torn. Once again I put him on the cold tray…. We went to visit him a couple of times before putting him to rest a week later, on the 15th of January.

 

It was excruciatingly painful….still is. We all loved him and miss him dearly. We’re trying to adjust to his absence and nothing makes sense. We all want to be with Him. We want Jesus to come soon, now even. And reunite us all. The emptiness does not go away. The pain does not decrease. The stillness still exists, even while all around us keeps moving.

 

Our little boy is gone. We just want to be with him. God’s grace is sustaining us during this period, and we are holding on to him with all we’ve got.

 

That’s all I can pull myself together to write for now.

 

Thanks for caring.

 

Love, AG.

12 thoughts on “6 Months On – How our baby Jason died

  1. Rachel Gitau(auntie neighbour says:

    I feel very sad when I see how tormented you are but what I know is that the Lord understands and though He does not give you the answer He can see your tears. He will not give you a replacement because that is not possible but He will give you another one at His own time. Please talk to Him earnestly tell me the day you want us to fast and talk to our God because some things need prayer and fasting. He has to take the pain away because He is the creator of Life and He knows the end day whether they be 1 day or 10 months like Jason all they be old age. He has to put something in your heart that will kill the pain just because He is God . will be praying.

    • Anngladys says:

      Thank you Auntie Neighbor, thank you!!! I have no words for you….just a big hug saying thanks!! Yes, we’ll stay in touch, we will. Thank you for your prayers, messages and support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I love you!

  2. Christine Rose says:

    My dear AG, i dont even know where to start. This is the most bold gesture i have seen in a long time. My dear God!! Jason! This is a son that we all loved so much. However dear AG, as his mother, your love for him was and still is immeasurable thats why the loss for yu will never be over. Now this reminds me of the lady in the new testament who bled for 12 years. She looked for Jesus and touched the hem of his garment and was made well. Lets work backwards dear. My words to you. Hold the hem of Jesus garment. It will be much more bearable as yu grieve. Hold His garment and He will teach yu how to survive as long as yu have life.
    Much Love,
    Shiro Xtine.

  3. Joyce K. Kamondo says:

    Dear AG, i feel you because i have been there. I prefer to say i have one child not because i do not recognize the one in heaven but because i don’t want to revive every pain especially so in public and sometimes to acquaintances who may not understand much. However the truth is the child will remain a part of my/our life because we shared a life in that short time.
    It is ok to feel the way you do,may God grace continue to strengthen you by day and find comfort in the fact that God is sovereign and will continue to reveal His perfect plan for your lives through it all.

  4. faith Nguthi says:

    Dear Ciru thanks for letting us know how it happened. May the Lord continually minister to all your hearts because only He understands your loss and pain.

  5. Milka says:

    Hello Anngladys,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that our heavenly Father will be your comfort for rest of your days. Amen.

  6. Freciah Muraya says:

    I am just moved by your courage despite the pain cousin. All I pray for you is that the God of all comfort may comfort you dear cousin and that you would experience His beauty for ashes and His strength in times of despair. You are impacting many lives with your story. God bless you

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

24 − 16 =