No, it hasn’t been me. I haven’t been the one writing the updates, books, helping girls, doing my job… Someone else has been doing it, and I’ve been getting all the credit. I wish I could hold on to the good works attached to my name, and continue shining in that limelight, enjoying those privileges, getting those accesses to great things, being so favored.
But I can’t. I have to come clean, finally. It’s not something that I would have wanted to do, let alone chosen to do. But here I am, forced by circumstances, and somehow relieved that it’s all going to be out in the open, and I don’t have to hide any more, or fear.
The past year has been one crazy one for me. A lot of things have happened, many good ones, but mostly very hard ones. I have been broken to the point of zero, to the point of realizing that unless I got help from my friend, I could not do anything. Unless my friend helped me, I could not engage in deals to bring me extra cash. I could not have doors opened for me. But I didn’t always know that. So I assumed that all the good stuff in my life happened because of me and because of how good, hardworking, passionate, excellent and awesome I was. I had a good track record, surely that must have counted for something.
Not until God shattered that record, began introducing failures into my life, made deals fall through and sent my self-esteem spiraling all the way down to hell. I had never felt so hopeless in my life, so worthless, so powerless so unintelligent.
But that’s exactly where He wanted me to be. At a point zero. Then he started re-introducing the things He had taken away, in a way that only He could have done. And I realized that His love cannot be earned any more than my children can do anything to earn my love. That the favor that had been bestowed on me was simply out of love, a gift, a gift that I could not feel entitled to. A gift that I should have appreciated, thanked Him for. Not felt superior about, not felt that I had earned it by my good works and diligence.
I realized that unless God opens the doors, they remain shut, and it doesn’t matter whether I have the master key with me. Unless He builds the connections, the deals won’t come through. Unless He rains the blessings on me, standing under heavy clouds does nothing.
And in the same manner, so does my worry, anxiety and planning. They yield nothing. I have expended lots of energy and time worrying, planning, organizing, worrying, thinking, worrying, did I say worrying? And it has produced absolutely nothing good, but many bad things such as headaches, ulcers, depression, etc. I have worried what was wrong with me, whether I wasn’t good enough.
I foolishly thought that my efforts, character and being would open doors and do great things for me. That took too much effort. Until God showed me that unless He worked something out, it would absolutely fail. That my efforts were useless. I should have known better – His yoke is easy and His burden is light. All I had to do was obey Him. Trust Him with all my cares and be open to receive His answers, and then actually receive them when they come.
The process of receiving help from others was at first humiliating, but now I see it as a sign of God’s favor. And as direction that I should help others too. When doors open and deals come through, I know it is God who has done it, and I give Him glory. I don’t think that it’s my ‘awesomeness’ and prowess that have brought about my success. I don’t look down on anyone in trouble – it may be their learning period, and not a sign of their stupidity, irresponsibility, folly or carelessness.
I am a sorry person for all that I was. And I am a repented soul, for not recognizing just how much God was in control of every detail of my life, and that all I have/had was because of Him.
And so on this my 30th birthday, I have let go of the effort to ‘direct’ my life, make my plans and have things go my certain, clearly articulated way. I have surrendered to God. I focus only on today, because tomorrow has enough worries of its own. And whatever my hand finds to do today, I will do with all my might. I will commit my plans to the Lord, and I will hand Him the eraser – and the pen too. He can give me the desires of my heart because I now fully delight in Him, or He can change them to something better, something more suitable. He may not give me what I want, but He will surely give me what I need. I will never lack anything that I truly need, and I will always have enough and to spare. I let go of my control, and surrender to His abundance through Hi s many, varied and beautifully surprising resources.
So I enter my thirties – rested. Rested and submitted. Happy and peaceful, trusting and free.
And from now henceforth, candid posts, knowing that there is naught of me – naught of me to pride in, protect, hide or shine. There is only the working of God, glittering sometimes, but breaking at other times, too. And I am but His work of clay, at His disposal, to do with as He pleases. Praise God!