Hi. I will try to do a summary of the many thoughts in my mind.
- Faces: it is great to talk with people who have subscribed to my blogconsistently receive my emails. Now, when I write some more, I will be writing with these individuals in mind, not just to express myself, but to talk with them too. It’s great, it’s also “wow-ing” when someone says they couldn’t reply to my email because the message was “too deep” or hit them real hard. I can only hope that that is in a positive way,that it was both inspiringblessing in a comfortingassuring way.
- Dumped: This Mr. Smart, allow me to call him so, decided that he wouldn’t text me anymore. Or at least not that evening, yet we had decided to finish conversing about a certain issue. But my Mr. Smart decided to play smart, me to outsmart,thus broke my heart. But why break a heart, which was to him given as a gift? Because he wanted to spend time with his family,all I got was “oops family time bye.” And I thought,I wished, I wondered,I hoped. I prayed. I almost cried. But I was in a mat,had to act like an adult. So I swallowed hard. And thought, wishing that I was someone’s priority. That someone could put me on their priority listlock out “the rest.” And now, I was part of “the rest” in my dad-search escapades. It hurt, my stomach turned, twisted as if in sixteen knots. My neck went with it as I swallowed even harder. God, why??? Then a still small voice began to talk to me. That I indeed was a prime person to some people. I am the only mother my daughter has, the only wife my husband has, the only second born to my mum, the only Anngladys in my family….and whether or not they said it daily, or at all, I was still important, prime. And no one could replace me. Or at least I encouraged myself again. And so I decided to encourage myself that way,decided to make my family prime, not just in fact, but in realityspecial treatment. That having been said, I still felt badtried to call…but his phone was off….these, are the struggles of a girl who misses a dad.
- Angry at God: Yes, sometimes it gets sourbitter; it wounds both sharplydeeply,makes me ask why. The Bible says that God is the father of the fatherless,that’s cool by all standards….wait, did I say all standards? I could have meant many standards. Because you see, sometimes you want an sms, a phone call, an encouraging pat on your back, or a hug from a dad to say that he’s proud of you, he loves you. And much as I try to imagine God as big, fat, huge, huge guy, walking besides meholding my hand or my shoulder…the best I can do is imagine. And only a physical, human, flesh-and-blood dad can do that. And so yes, there have been gaps, gaping vacuums, big, mighty big holes, which have gone unfilled. Sometimes they are filled with denial; sometimes they are filled with pain, sometimes with excitement…short lasting excitement that leaves me highdry. And sometimes they are filled by faith, a little faith that helps me make it day by day, step by step, just knowing that today I’m okay, tomorrow will take care of itself.
- And then I meet his family: Yes, many times I have gotten to meet the families of my potential dads, or at least the people I admire in that way. And it is both a wonderfulsobering moment. Did I say sobering? I could have meant “sombering”. See, it’s great to see him in action with his family, with his wifekids,it is such a very, mushy moment. It is great to know that he’s a real deal insideout, in publicwith his family. It gives good credibility. But that’s about it. When you listen to them talk, their stories, their experiences, their hopesmemories, the dreams they share, the things they laugh about….it dawns on me afresh, that they are complete. They are knit together, unified. They are one. And nothing can come between them; nothing can be added to them. Even if I wanted a dad in him, it could never possibly be like that with me. I wouldn’t share the brotherhood or sisterhood. I couldn’t share the mum-dad experiences. I’m just an outsider, I’m just “the rest.” And much as I enjoy those moments, sometimes I want to run awayhide,cry to Godask, why did you deny me that? I was a good girl, I was disciplined, I got my straight A’s why didn’t you give me a dad???? But then again I remember, I come back to my sensesrealize that I have to be strong. For my family, for the girls looking up to me, expecting answers from me. For the girls who may not get an occasional sms from someone they admire, let alone get to see such a situation. And I remind myself, that for these, I have to be strong. I have to be an example of a God who works, a God who delivers, a God who caresmeets his girls’ needs.
- And so I need to be honest: it would be great to have a dad figure,granted, I’d jump at the opportunitygrab it so fast,so hard. But then again I may not, because I’ve done the cycle one too many times. So I have to have a meeting with myselftell me the following, “AG, you are okay the way you are. God lovescares about you. He is your father. And he does do for you things that no earthly father can do. Like understand your deepest secretsshare your deepest fears. And yes, you may want such a situation, but is it sustainable? Is it practicable? So what if you missed a few moments when you were growing up, are you going to go back to that age, createenjoy those moments? You have to take the life you have now,live it strong. You are an example. Encourage girls in the Lord. Not all of them can find what you found, even briefly. For those of them who have only faith to believe, for them at the very least, develop your relationship with God to a deep, personal level, so you can hear it from his heart what He wants to tell them. The needs are there, but they may not all be met. At least not in the way we envision. Okay? Cheer up now,let’s go home.”
- Going home: I decide that I have encouraged myself enough,continue to walk the streets of Nairobi, a bit faster now, thanks to the surge of energy resulting from my self-given pep talk. Until I look up at the heavens to thank God for the insight,discover that the tall buildings around me make me feel so much smallertinierfrailer that I had felt before. Alone, in a big big world. No dad to hold my hand, no dad to calm my fears. I butt my eyelids to clear the mist,walk towards my matatu. I have to get a car, I think. I’ve got to get home earlier than this, when the sun can still see me. I change my line of thought. I thank God for the alone time. I thank Him that He is always with me,does not shut him out. And reluctantly, I thank Him for being a father to me.
- And oh yes: here’s the other thing. If the dad need was a program, I would search for it in the computer of my life, go to the control panel,click “uninstall”,when the machine would ask if I was sure about my decision, I would click yesemphasize that with control+alt+shift+enter +++++++ everything else!!! Not that I haven’t tried, I’ve prayed it away, I’ve gritted my teeth, grinnedborne it, (you know, the grinbear it thing), I’ve made vows, commitments…but I can’t keep them. I guess it’s beyond me, the dad need is something I cannot fight. It lingers no matter what I do. Maybe God has a purpose for it to be this way, perhaps for me, perhaps for me to help other girls. I won’t fight God. I’ve told him my heart’s desires, I’ll waitsee what He does, knowing that He has good plans for me, plans of goodnot of evil, plans to give me a futurea hope.